Advice

[shamous113]

Took me many years to realize that You can't change people, you can either accept who they are or start living life without them.

so true, the only person you can change is yourself.

Should I start skimming now? Couple of towels, few rolls of TP, couple of tooth paste, some cans of beans.....little stuff....

BTW. I have known for a number of years I would come to this point someday. A few comments have come to light recently that were spoken behind my back, such as wagers as to how long I could stay married to her. Had I known then, what I've heard now, I never would have said "I do". I would have added a "n't" to that statement. But best thing I will never regret is my 3 boys. My world is a better place with them in it.

Thanks for the support. TFT family is great. Thanks guys & gals.

Skimming may cause more strife. it's only money... my 2 with my ex are the world to me they are 3 and 5 , the ex try's to manipulate them to get to me at times, I think it's absolutely disgusting. I know that when they grow up they will learn the truth so I take the high road and don't play them against the ex... tough to do some times when you want to put the screws to some one but I know the high road will pay off in the end, It will make my kids better people and give them a chance to not repeat my mistakes.

 

[Pipes]

We all want to lead our children to the more noble place. Showing them the places we mis-stepped. I see now what my mother had to deal with (being a single parent) , that I was blind to as a child. We all make mistakes. It's how we correct our paths that defines us. I never did get the "bad motorcycle guy" wearing black thing, and the tattoos. I want to make the world a better place than I found it. Not make it suffer my presence. I content being the good guy. Taking the high road myself. I will leave this marriage having never stepped out side of my solom commitment. The high road.

I'll ask the ladies this question. Yes it's a loaded question...
Why do women go for the guys who:
Drink heavily and or regularly, do drugs, gamble, cheat, have criminal records (that they are usually proud of), beat them, "enslave" them as "house wives", etc. (non of which I do).
Instead of the guys who keep good jobs, do house chores, look after kids ( I have a friend who has 4 kids and never changed a diaper), and don't do any of the previous list?

I don't get it...

 

[nathan]

A

We all want to lead our children to the more noble place. Showing them the places we mis-stepped. I see now what my mother had to deal with (being a single parent) , that I was blind to as a child. We all make mistakes. It's how we correct our paths that defines us. I never did get the "bad motorcycle guy" wearing black thing, and the tattoos. I want to make the world a better place than I found it. Not make it suffer my presence. I content being the good guy. Taking the high road myself. I will leave this marriage having never stepped out side of my solom commitment. The high road.

I'll ask the ladies this question. Yes it's a loaded question...
Why do women go for the guys who:
Drink heavily and or regularly, do drugs, gamble, cheat, have criminal records (that they are usually proud of), beat them, "enslave" them as "house wives", etc. (non of which I do).
Instead of the guys who keep good jobs, do house chores, look after kids ( I have a friend who has 4 kids and never changed a diaper), and don't do any of the previous list?

I don't get it...

Well said bro

 

[Pipes]

Ok. So here is where that came from. A long, long time ago in a high school not so far away there was this really hot girl who lived not too, too far from me. Smart, funny, very athletic. Lets just say she was a dancer. The good kind that is. Wouldn't consider dating me. She was outa my league, fair enough, I get that. Not everyone wants to date a guy who was 6'2" & 200 lbs (of farm muscle) in grade 12 (I as more man than some of the teachers) and plays bagpipes. So she married a guy who gets drunk almost every Friday after work, will drive home, and occasionally throw her around... He has tattoos, and does drugs too. But she loves him, He doesn't mean it, and he is always sorry, when he sobers up. AND she stays with him.... I don't get it... How can smart be so stupid... I don't get it....

 

[shamous113]

I'll ask the ladies this question. Yes it's a loaded question...
Why do women go for the guys who:
Drink heavily and or regularly, do drugs, gamble, cheat, have criminal records (that they are usually proud of), beat them, "enslave" them as "house wives", etc. (non of which I do).
Instead of the guys who keep good jobs, do house chores, look after kids ( I have a friend who has 4 kids and never changed a diaper), and don't do any of the previous list?

I don't get it...

Ok. So here is where that came from. A long, long time ago in a high school not so far away there was this really hot girl who lived not too, too far from me. Smart, funny, very athletic. Lets just say she was a dancer. The good kind that is. Wouldn't consider dating me. She was outa my league, fair enough, I get that. Not everyone wants to date a guy who was 6'2" & 200 lbs (of farm muscle) in grade 12 (I as more man than some of the teachers) and plays bagpipes. So she married a guy who gets drunk almost every Friday after work, will drive home, and occasionally throw her around... He has tattoos, and does drugs too. But she loves him, He doesn't mean it, and he is always sorry, when he sobers up. AND she stays with him.... I don't get it... How can smart be so stupid... I don't get it....

this isn't an easy one to address their are a number of factors that come in to play with this. one of the the biggest factors is learned behavior from our parents. we see them go thru the same thing and act like it's all good so we believe that is how we should act and that's how relationships are suppose to work.

 

[Aquatic Dreams]

I've seen a lot of those situations with the abusive or controlling relationships in my life Pipes. I can't figure it out either. And while I've never been married I did fight for custody of my son and won! And as previously mentioned the paper trail of EVERYTHING that happens is very important with dates/times etc. I know it's a PITA but it could make a difference if things get ugly.

I found a couple comments here reminded me of back then.

I found that she like to fight and thrived on conflict, she still does but I found pushing back only caused more issues. Kindness but firmness goes a long way and silence is sometimes the only way to make someone listen.

That was exactly my situation and I was always getting in SHIT for no real reason. At one point I thought it was just the pregnancy but it continued constantly afterwards as well.

And then your comment here ...

Do you get a knot in your stomach every morning before you go to work? I get the knot when it's time to go home....

I used to get that knot as well from the aforementioned constant conflict. I would sometimes volunteer to work late so I wouldn't have to go home. And this was before we were even breaking up. I know ... CRAZY!!

In the end through I got custody of my son shortly after he turned one year old. She would get him when it was CONVENIENT for her and it slowly started to be less and less. There was always a hassle about something with him when it was her time to get him as well. I still made sure that he bought her mother's day and Christmas gifts as I wan't going to be the one to wreck his relationship with her. After he turned about 7 years old she just stopped coming to get him and never called. He's now 18 and headed off to college next week. With help from my mom he's turned into a polite and well mannered young man.

So I guess my point is that it seems rough right now but everything will work itself out. It sounds like you're taking the proper steps to ensure you don't get totally screwed in the end. The hardest part to do (and I wasn't often able to do it) is to take the emotional part out of it. Be logical and keep notes of everything that happens. Try to avoid conflict as much as you can. It's a roller coaster ride but won't last forever.

Good Luck Man!!

 

[Joshbrookkate]

So sorry you're going through this.
Good that you're connecting here with us.
When things get emotional, keep telling yourself, "Do the right thing". You won't regret it.